in a push pull dynamic with god

2min read

I’m in a push pull dynamic with god. I’m the one who is doing the pushing and pulling. God is chill. God never panics about my avoidance. God is all secure attachment, letting me be erratic and inconsistent about our relationship, knowing that sooner or later I come running back anyway, promising that this time it will all be different.

And whenever I do, god’s always like Oh heyyy! Welcome back Bb!!! No hard feelings, no resentment, no punishing me with distance.

I wish I was a bit more like god. Not the eternal forgiveness maybe, I do like boundaries. But the self assured Chill about people’s chaos. I’d like some of that.

I regularly abandon god. Not because I don’t want them, but it’s difficult holding love and chaos at the same time. Chaos is louder and more persistent. More manipulative. Love doesn’t beg or pull. It’s just there. For when you’re ready.

I don’t actually believe in god.

Like I do, but I don’t call them god, and my guys (it’s more like a collective?!) have nothing to do with religion or church. They are exciting and they’re many and they wear zeitgeisty slutty outfits lol. Lots of purple, hot denim and rhinestones going on. Yes, we’ve met.

Not sure why I’m telling you the details. Probably because I don’t want you to think of me as basic boring churchy. My fragile ego wants to keep fuckability intact, despite talking about god and shit.

I don’t meditate and I have no interest in starting. I tried. For 30 days I did the thing. Turns out god doesn’t come to me when I sit still for copious amounts of time. And while one could argue that this is too much of an ask - to meet GOD no less! 🙄 - I can confidently report that actually, there are things where one can totally meet god in 30 days or less. It’s so easy. And yet I’d often rather not. Instead I push.